i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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