Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
