dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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