i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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