I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
