My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
Randomize
