he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
