now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Randomize
