lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
