I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
