I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
