Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
This show inspires me to have sex in space
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
My life is pants optional.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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