I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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