party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
