I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
