I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
