there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize