I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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