So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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