I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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