i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
