I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Randomize