Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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