Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
