Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
