Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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