Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
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