So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
You may now shotgun with the bride
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
