Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
My feet surprised me
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize