you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
