STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize