sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
