Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
