words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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