i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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