Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize