I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
The Olympian is in my bed
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
