I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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