You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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