he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
