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i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Randomize
