I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
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