Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
