hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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