oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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