life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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