you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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