I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
