Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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