If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
