Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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