why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
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