I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
