I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
