my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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