It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
