I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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