When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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