i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Randomize
